Adventures with the Hooker*
*(It should have been "Adventures with the Cooker" - the kind in which you cook food in and which can turn rice into a shapeless gooey mass if you let it cook long enough. But the editors thought it'll sell more copies this way!)
"Me hungry," said the Big Fat Oaf.
The knights of medieval ages, who had sufficient experience in these matters, will agree with me that a big fat oaf shows little mercy when it is hungry. And especially when you owe the big fat oaf four hundred bucks.
"Me want food now!" Bellowed the Big Fat Oaf.
"Vikz I got no money on me but we can cook," I suggested.
"Me cook! Me happy! Me cook!” the big fat oaf bellowed.
And again the knights of medieval ages will agree with me that a big fat oaf isn't too hard to please and for that matter the typical attention span of a big fat oaf is less than one nwgwtsecond. For the uninitiated ones nwgwtsecond is the average time interval between subsequent missed calls The Missed Call Guy receives. Recent scientific studies conducted by The Phone Guy concluded that the nwgwtsecond is the inverse of the abhiyear. Again for the uninitiated the abhiyear is the average time The Phone Guy spends on the phone per phone call and is roughly equal to three times the age of the universe.
Cooking food in our rooms has its own charms. We know as much about cooking as the Stump knows bout maximizing Yahoo Messenger windows, which essentially means that we know nothing about cooking. We have had rather interesting debates on the amount of salt to be used and the relative merits and demerits of using The Missed Calls Guy's football socks as a strainer.
The basic act of cooking food is still mired in mystery for most males and we are no exceptions. Back in the good old days things were not so complicated. It was either mammoth leg roasted rare or medium rare. But one fine day some deviant caveman threw in a few pieces of tomato and some rock powder and mammoth a la steak was born. Things were never the same ever again.
"Wanna eat an oinker tonight?" I asked.
"Me eat oinker! Me happy!”
We would have preferred to throw in a few logs, light a fire, and roast the oinker. But as we were surrounded by uncouth cavemen who generally regarded roasting pork chops in an open fire as some sort of a pagan ceremony we decided to forgo it. And so we made a list of ingredients.
1. Three kilos of fresh juicy oinker
2. A packet of salt
3. Some green gooey stuff that you put in when you cook
4. The brown hairy stuff that thickens the gravy
5. A packet of fags to pass our time while the oinker marinates
6. Two bottles of beer
7. A big packet of maggi in case things don't turn out right
8. Another bottle of beer, just in case
9. Three is an unlucky number, make it four bottles of beer
10. Some sucker who would dole out the money for all of this
But before I begin our voyages let me introduce you to the other members of the forbidden bastardhood.
Vikx, The Big Angry Fat Stupid Oaf a.k.a. bafso
Sometime in the ancient past the bafso had a human name and human feelings and emotions. But the strong winds of time and that passed by the Missed Call Guy erased his identity and now he is but a shadow of his former human self. I mean it only figuratively because his dimensions have been on the increase ever since.
The greatest pleasure in his life is to cook and eat and to force his pals to eat what he cooks which is not exactly bad because he is in fact a good cook. His culinary skills honed by the fact that he abhorred mess food.
Legends say that the bafso had once lent his heart to a human female who promptly made a sausage out of it and fed it to a dog. The legends are unclear about the dog or what happened to it. But as for bafso he never got over it, and ever since has a morbid hatred of dogs.
Mr. Nwgwt, The homme sans vowel a.k.a. The Miss Call Guy
In the days of yore, in an ancient forgotten tongue, ‘nwgwt’ meant ‘thy name in sooth has vowels none’. And since Nwgwt’s name had no vowels in it his parents named him Nwgwt in that ancient tongue.
….. ( to be continued…)…
*(It should have been "Adventures with the Cooker" - the kind in which you cook food in and which can turn rice into a shapeless gooey mass if you let it cook long enough. But the editors thought it'll sell more copies this way!)
"Me hungry," said the Big Fat Oaf.
The knights of medieval ages, who had sufficient experience in these matters, will agree with me that a big fat oaf shows little mercy when it is hungry. And especially when you owe the big fat oaf four hundred bucks.
"Me want food now!" Bellowed the Big Fat Oaf.
"Vikz I got no money on me but we can cook," I suggested.
"Me cook! Me happy! Me cook!” the big fat oaf bellowed.
And again the knights of medieval ages will agree with me that a big fat oaf isn't too hard to please and for that matter the typical attention span of a big fat oaf is less than one nwgwtsecond. For the uninitiated ones nwgwtsecond is the average time interval between subsequent missed calls The Missed Call Guy receives. Recent scientific studies conducted by The Phone Guy concluded that the nwgwtsecond is the inverse of the abhiyear. Again for the uninitiated the abhiyear is the average time The Phone Guy spends on the phone per phone call and is roughly equal to three times the age of the universe.
Cooking food in our rooms has its own charms. We know as much about cooking as the Stump knows bout maximizing Yahoo Messenger windows, which essentially means that we know nothing about cooking. We have had rather interesting debates on the amount of salt to be used and the relative merits and demerits of using The Missed Calls Guy's football socks as a strainer.
The basic act of cooking food is still mired in mystery for most males and we are no exceptions. Back in the good old days things were not so complicated. It was either mammoth leg roasted rare or medium rare. But one fine day some deviant caveman threw in a few pieces of tomato and some rock powder and mammoth a la steak was born. Things were never the same ever again.
"Wanna eat an oinker tonight?" I asked.
"Me eat oinker! Me happy!”
We would have preferred to throw in a few logs, light a fire, and roast the oinker. But as we were surrounded by uncouth cavemen who generally regarded roasting pork chops in an open fire as some sort of a pagan ceremony we decided to forgo it. And so we made a list of ingredients.
1. Three kilos of fresh juicy oinker
2. A packet of salt
3. Some green gooey stuff that you put in when you cook
4. The brown hairy stuff that thickens the gravy
5. A packet of fags to pass our time while the oinker marinates
6. Two bottles of beer
7. A big packet of maggi in case things don't turn out right
8. Another bottle of beer, just in case
9. Three is an unlucky number, make it four bottles of beer
10. Some sucker who would dole out the money for all of this
But before I begin our voyages let me introduce you to the other members of the forbidden bastardhood.
Vikx, The Big Angry Fat Stupid Oaf a.k.a. bafso
Sometime in the ancient past the bafso had a human name and human feelings and emotions. But the strong winds of time and that passed by the Missed Call Guy erased his identity and now he is but a shadow of his former human self. I mean it only figuratively because his dimensions have been on the increase ever since.
The greatest pleasure in his life is to cook and eat and to force his pals to eat what he cooks which is not exactly bad because he is in fact a good cook. His culinary skills honed by the fact that he abhorred mess food.
Legends say that the bafso had once lent his heart to a human female who promptly made a sausage out of it and fed it to a dog. The legends are unclear about the dog or what happened to it. But as for bafso he never got over it, and ever since has a morbid hatred of dogs.
Mr. Nwgwt, The homme sans vowel a.k.a. The Miss Call Guy
In the days of yore, in an ancient forgotten tongue, ‘nwgwt’ meant ‘thy name in sooth has vowels none’. And since Nwgwt’s name had no vowels in it his parents named him Nwgwt in that ancient tongue.
….. ( to be continued…)…
posted by The Dark Highwayman at 12:49 PM
3 Comments:
The only guy who can equalize a hooker with a cooker.
The least you could do was change the name,yaar.
I remember us talking about it!
I remember us talking about it!
Post a Comment
<< Home